reflection – Page 2 – Life According to TJ

A month without FaceBook

December 16, 2021 Steph TJ

Just over one month ago I took the decision to de-activate my Facebook account. Sadly, I couldn’t totally delete facebook because that means you also lose messenger, and like it or not, it is a great way of keeping in contact with people. So I did the best I could and de-activated my account.

Why?

Because I’m not really all that sure that it’s all that good for my mental health. The problem isn’t the pretty pictures of other people who are living fabulous lives that might be more fabulous that mine. No. It’s the adverts. The sneaky adverts. Especially adverts for things like planners, or based on spirituality, or a quick fix for mental health. Then I’m off down a rabbit hole, researching, reading, buying another book, trying to work out what this person can do to help me, that the last one couldn’t, when in actual fact none of them can help me because I’m stuck in this rabbit hole and actually just need to come up to the surface and take a breath. Take a look around. Take a rest. Just be myself for a bit.

So. Facebook went. And what have I learned?

I learned just how much time I spent on Facebook. How many times I just reached for my laptop and before you know it a good hour or two had disappeared into oblivion and I had achieved precisely nothing. There are still some days, especially after lunch when I do still sit and wonder what am I going to do now – how am I actually going to fill this eternity of time that is ahead of me. I no longer have the Facebook drug and I’ve come to realise that I used it in much the same way as you might alcohol, or shopping, or cake, or chocolate. Something that fills the void, something that papers over the cracks. I’m starting to spend more time peering in to the cracks and acknowledging what’s there.

This month has also seen me travel back from Portugal to Bristol for the Christmas holidays. I wanted to spend them here this year. So for the first 10 days or so of my Facebook detox I started to take a walk in that post lunch slump. The time when I am most likely to reach for the laptop and peruse Facebook The weather was still beautiful but cooler and so all activity no longer had to be crammed into the first two hours of the morning. So I walked, not far, but far enough to get out and have a change of scenery. Since we have been back in Bristol, this has taken a bit of a back seat and I do still find myself reaching for my laptop after lunch. Getting out for a daily walk is definitely an activity I need to re-introduce as it keeps me sane and perks me up in the afternoon.

As ever, I’ve read a book ‘Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends on It’ by Kamal Ravikant. He recommends using a mantra that you repeat to yourself over and over, during meditation, while you’re out and about, when you’re in a sticky situation. I chose ‘I trust and love myself’. I’m not sold on this, but happy to give it a try! Besides that he recommends:

(a) simplifying everything (and boy do I need to simplify) and stop overcomplicating life. Life doesn’t need to be anything like as complicated as I can make it.

(b) being consistent (not a strength of mine). Pick one or two things to do each day, but do them, every day, consistently. Stop hopping from one thing to another in the hope that it will magically resolve everything in an instant.

(c) Focusing on the self as a means to heal, I suppose. Not in a selfish ‘all about me’ way, but from the point of view of if I feel good then I feel well enough to get out there and take on the world, without being dragged down into the rabbit hole of doom. So for me that means getting out for a daily walk, going to Nordic Walking classes, turning up for online HIIT sessions, listening to music, eating as well as I can, not going onto facebook.

(d) Ask yourself in the moment, or before saying ‘yes’ to a request, ‘Is this something I really want to do?’ ‘Is this something that will build me up and make me feel fulfilled?’ ‘If I really do trust and love myself, would I choose to do this?’ If the answer is no – then don’t do it! I am a nightmare for saying yes, then thinking ‘nope, bad idea’. An example of this is I recently applied for a temporary Christmas job at Next. I knew by the end of the first shift that it was a really, really bad idea – but I’d been swept away by the excitement of it all. If I’d just taken time to think things through and really considered ‘if I trust and love myself would I choose to do this?’ then the answer would have been no.

Throughout the month I have found myself in the moment thinking ‘why am I doing this’, whatever this was. If I really do trust and love myself, would I actually do this? Would I eat this cake? Would I drink this wine? Is sitting on my laptop achieving nothing for an hour a good use of my time? Facebook would have gone into the no bracket. So, there have been some things that I have thought, no, not really and others that I’ve thought, actually, yes.

And what were those things?

– I like to listen to or watch something whilst ironing and had taken to listening to podcasts based on fixing myself (still down in the rabbit hole of doom). Instead I watched Dirty Dancing, Chesapeake Shores, Modern Love. I have a thing (much to husbands chagrin), whenever we hear ‘that’ song from the end of the Dirty Dancing playing in the bars in Albufeira (and we hear it a lot) I have a bit of a dance up the street! So I had a bit of a dance whilst I ironed.

– I’ve started to eat a bit of fruit every day. I’m not a fan of fruit, but do appreciate it is good for me, so I’ve started to make the effort to eat an extra bit everyday.

– I’ve been doing some crochet. I’ve actually designed, made and published patterns for two winter cowels, using wool I found in Poundland of all places. If you’d like to try making the patterns they can be found here.

– I’ve read a fiction book. I can’t tell you the last time I read any fiction.

– I’ve started listening to music more, and I’ve ordered some sheet music to practice with my clarinet. Music always makes me feel better.

There are elements of Facebook that I do miss. I miss seeing what certain friends who live a distance a way from me are up to and it does have value in finding out what is going on in and around Albufeira. It is the way that many ex-pat groups promote themselves and share valuable information. One aspect of Facebook I thought I would miss is groups that I was a member of. There were two in particular that I loved being a part of. But as the month has gone on, I can see how they were also feeding my need to be fixed and were also a part of the obsessive behaviours around health. Only this morning I was wondering again, would it hurt, really? Would it hurt if I just reactivated my account and had a sneaky peak? In that moment, I had to remind myself of the reasons I had deactivated it in the first place and did some crochet instead!

I do think that at the end of this first month I have started to regain some balance in my life. I’ve had time to focus on things that I do enjoy, without constantly thinking I should be doing more. I realise just how much I was using Facebook to avoid doing other things and using it as an excuse to explain why I wasn’t doing them. I’ve started to notice a little more those moments where I am slipping down the rabbit hole of doom and been able to understand a little more what’s causing them and how best to resolve them.

I am starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel and I have two fabulous new cowls to show for the month. It’s a long time since I had something concrete to show for a month of my time.

Happiness, Mindfulness, reflection

Evidently, I’m angry.

August 25, 2021August 25, 2021 Steph TJ

Over the weekend I had a row with a neighbour over the bins. Admittedly we had parked in her parking space, which is always annoying, but despite apologising and moving the car straight away she wouldn’t give up with the shouting. So, in true grown up fashion I shouted back. About the bins. About the fact that the people who rent her AirBnb apartments use the wrong bins. All. The. Time. But that wasn’t enough. I kept replaying the conversation in my head, finding ways to prolong the drama. I knew I was doing it, but I just couldn’t stop myself. I could see the negative behaviours, and I could feel how it was affecting me.

So I turned to a friend and asked her, is it enough just to spot the behaviour, or is there a way of working out why? Why did it happen? Why was I feeling that way? Her response, “Is there a part of you that wants to lash out at something / someone else and you don’t feel safe to do so”? And there it is. Hit the nail on the head.

We’d just returned from visiting friends and my parents’ and we’d hired the car. I don’t like driving but wondered is it the driving that’s the problem or the destination I am driving to. I fill my time around my parents with visits to friends, anything to avoid staying in the family home for longer than is absolutely necessary.

My childhood wasn’t completely awful. I have some good memories. But there were some aspects that just weren’t that great. They have never been addressed. We’ve papered over the cracks and moved on, whilst pretending to the world that we have a loving family. It’s a home filled with arguments, bitterness, jealousy, blaming others and worst of all boxes. Mental and physical boxes, that I’m expected to fit in to, because we must maintain the public image at all costs. That of the loving family that we are. But we aren’t and I feel the contrast between my family home and that of my friends. I feel it to my core.

So yes. When I came back from the visit I was angry. So very angry about everything and I needed to lash out. But I cannot lash out at the people that I want to.

I feel guilty about not living nearer to my family home – I used to and believe you me, it was much easier.
I feel guilty about not caring about the fact I don’t live closer to my family home.
I feel guilty that my parent’s neighbours are doing their shopping and mowing their lawn because I don’t live closer.
I feel angry that those lovely people probably have thoughts and opinions about me not being there to do those jobs.
I feel angry that my parents are more than likely going along with that and playing on the sympathies of neighbours who only see the image that has been so carefully curated over the years.
I feel angry that I still can’t be myself in the family home. That I’m still expected to fit into boxes. Appropriate boxes.
I feel angry that my parents blame the world and his dog for the fact I rarely visit rather than accept or acknowledge any responsibility.
I feel angry that I didn’t get the family experience that I see my friends have with their families
I feel angry that the benchmark of success is what you have and not who you are.
I feel angry that I feel guilty
I feel angry that they can’t see how their behaviours have impacted choices I have made throughout my life.
Mostly I feel angry that I can’t tell my parents any of this and that it still impacts my life today.

You can safely say there was something / someone that I wanted to lash out at!

I’m generally very happy now, I have found my contentment with the world, so these flare ups do stand out more so than in the past when I was just plain angry and scared. The thing I am noticing increasingly is the effect that this tension has on my body. I’ve been in Bristol for the past three months and have cleaned up my act. I’m exercising daily. Doing exercises to help keep my body moving. Eating and drinking better. I have a belter of a physio who is peeling away the onion layers that is my body. I am pain free.

During this past week my body started to cease up again. The soreness returned to my back. My left-hand ribs are so tight I’d begun to wonder if I had a problem with my bowels. My diaphragm is tight and needed massaging to release it. I know myself that when I tense-up I suck in my chest and lift my shoulders. When I don’t deal with these minor things they progressively get worse and I end up in pain. But at least now I can feel it happening and respond before things go too far. I’m reading a book called ‘Bliss Brain’ by Dawson Church. In fact. I’m only one chapter in, but one passage caught my eye, ‘When your body knows it will be listened to it can speak quietly. A little rumble here. A slight pain there. We hear the message and take care of its needs’ (p27).

Slowly, I am beginning to hear what my body is saying and to understand how the tension and stress is impacting what it feels. I can notice the tension building and have some strategies to deal with it, a better understanding of what does and doesn’t work. I still need to find ways to deal with the anger, to not let it simmer in my body and find ways to release it more effectively than shouting at the neighbours, but finally I feel like I am starting to make progress and to join up the dots. I don’t know that I will ever resolve some of the issues that are making me angry – but with time I hope that I can lessen their impact and move on.

Albufeira, Happiness, reflection

I have Invented the World I see

April 14, 2021 Steph TJ

I’ve been reading ‘A Course in Miracles’, which is a bit hard going and much of which goes over the top of my head. There is a workbook to go alongside it, which is basically a statement a day which you ponder upon. One of which was ‘I have invented the world I see’. Like most days my initial thought was ‘don’t be so daft, of course I haven’t invented the world I see’.

But as the day wore on, I had moments of ‘oh, perhaps I have’.

Like my dad, I have an Olympic standard ability to spot the negative in everything that I see, so it’s highly unlikely that I will ever see a positive version of the world. Why go with the positive when you can glean a negative out of a situation. I assume the worst in every situation which means you don’t often get disappointed! Likewise, I very rarely get excited by anything.

I also have a habit of projecting into the future – of how things might turn out – sometimes in technicolour and mostly with a negative flourish. Oddly, things never quite pan out like I envision and I certainly haven’t won the lottery and believe you me I know what that would look like, and, how different situations will play out.
Until fairly recently I was mildly terrified of the world due to my anxiety, but I never let that stop me from doing things. I rarely think, I just do which is how I found myself on a boat in the Atlantic Ocean about to go para-sailing. Clearly, if I’d thought about it, I wouldn’t be doing it, but where’s the fun in that!

Despite being so negative I do have an unfailing belief in people and their ability to be nice and do the right thing. Often, I am disappointed, but my default is always that there is good in everybody.

All of these are factors which influence the world I see, or the world I have invented. My initial reaction also went along the lines of ‘as if I’d invent living in lockdown’, but realised it’s not necessarily about Covid and other events beyond my control, it’s as much about how you deal with those events

I think I might be overthinking and getting carried away, but also thought about how choices in my life have led to this point and how that has enabled me to invent the world I see. How many choices do we make in life that lead us down a path and that path is a version of the world and influences how we view that world?

So, I am currently coming out of lockdown in Portugal. In an apartment near the ocean. An apartment that husband and I chose after looking at several. In a town that we chose after coming on holiday here. As a consequence of that choice when I finished teaching, we were able to spend more time here and as a consequence of Covid we decided to try spending even more time here. This is just one of many choices I have made in life, some very good, some not so good, a few that were downright ropey, but they have all led me to this point and the version of the world I see. I read a book ‘The Four Agreements’ by Don Miguel Ruiz, one part in particular really struck home:

“We only see what we want to see, and hear what we want to hear. We don’t perceive things the way they are. We have the habit of dreaming with no basis in reality. We literally dream things up in our imaginations” (Ruiz, p64)

All of us have a different version of the world we see, and our choices have created that version, some deliberate choices, some choices that have been forced upon us. For example, I didn’t choose not to have children, but as a consequence of that I made other choices: to go into teaching, to move back to Stoke-on-Trent for a while. If I’d had a child, it’s unlikely I would have met my current husband and if I’d not met him, we wouldn’t now be sitting out Covid in an apartment in Portugal.

It’s not very often we think about the choices we made. I was chatting to my sister recently and I was telling her about my latest degree. I signed up with the Open University to study a degree in Classics but might swap to English Literature. The thought of either made my sister’s toes curl – but for me the thought of studying science and maths makes me weep – and this goes right back to school. I chose essay based, flouncy subjects at A level in particular, she chose maths and science. It follows on then that she qualified as a physiotherapist and I did a degree in History and Politics. She lives in the countryside, I am a city girl. We’re from the same family, but due to choices we’ve made our versions of the world are very different.

Then off we go down the rabbit hole of life. But I found it quite fascinating. How many people there are on this planet and each one sees the world differently. That’s a lot of inventing.

Happiness, reflection, Spirituality

How Deep is your Faith?

August 17, 2020 Steph TJ

To use the words of the fabulous Robbie Williams, ‘I sit and talk to God’. On a fairly regular basis to be honest, passing the time of day, discussing what’s going on. For a long time I have avoided this topic as I know it turns many people off. But, as part of an online course I’ve been doing, I’ve been encouraged to speak my truth – just put it out there – because what’s the worst that could possibly happen? Much like my Grandparents, I have a deep, rich faith that guides me in everything that I do, like a core of steel that runs through my middle. I will also admit for a few years now I have tended to avoid it, and pretend it’s not there, and treat it as an inconvenience, not something to be cherished. I have reached the point where I want to own it and share it. I’m not going to stand in the middle of the town with my microphone pretending I’m on speakers corner! I must admit, and I probably shouldn’t, that some of the best comedy moments in the centre of Bristol occur as a result of such speakers. There is normally an avid audience of drunk, surprisingly knowledgeable homeless people sitting watching and giving their thoughts on the various points raised. Nor, am I going to try to convert anyone! For me faith is a quiet, private thing, that just fills my being, makes me who I am and influences how I live my life.

There have been various moments in my life when this has been evident. The main one was in November 1997 when I found out it was highly unlikely that I would have children. I knew in that moment, with a certainty right through my being that this was meant to be. I don’t think I have ever been so certain of anything in my life. (The day I met my current husband probably ranks up there as well, but that’s a whole other story). I was never offered IVF, nor did I request it, but I’m afraid I knew and still know that there is a reason for everything and whilst I’m not sure I will ever know the reason why, having my own child wasn’t going to be a feature of my life. Obviously, not agreeing with IVF is a difficult path to tread and so I tend to steer well clear. As the saying goes ‘different strokes for different folks’. But when I got asked the question, which I frequently did, as to why I didn’t have children and why I hadn’t gone for IVF, I got more than a few raised eyebrows when I said I didn’t believe in it! Yes, I know I could have adopted too – but it’s not quite that straight forward and at the time when I was of an age where I would have considered it, I wasn’t in the ideal situation to adopt, further evidence that for whatever reason, children weren’t meant for me. My favourite discussions on this topic were with children I taught. I never shied away from the facts of why I wasn’t a mother but the best thing I ever heard from a student was ‘Well, that’s a shame Miss, you would have made a great mum’! Unfortunately, as the years have gone by I have begun to doubt my initial reaction, with the constant questioning (because apparently, as a woman, the only thing in life that matters is having children) the constant bombardment of family focussed living, the numerous friendships that ended because our lives were headed in different directions – nobody’s fault, it’s just the way life is. Gradually as I found myself increasingly isolated I did begin to question my faith and my initial certainty that being childless was meant to be.

There is also the issue of having a purpose in life. I won’t be leaving my mark on this world in the way most people do – that of having a child or grandchildren to remember them by. This is where a lot of my seeking and searching stems from, that I must leave my mark on the world. Like it or not, there is still so much pressure on people who don’t have children – people say there’s not, but 9 times out of 10 they have children. So much of life today seems to be based on making your mark, making a difference, having a purpose, achieving your true purpose in life. I have probably tried my hands at most things since I stopped teaching in 2015, trying to find that ‘thing’ which will give me a purpose in life. But when you don’t know what that might be, it all becomes a little bit tricky. If you add in very bad FOMO and raging impatience it all becomes even harder! ! I struggle with trusting and waiting. I want to know now! I want to know why I didn’t have children, I want to know what my life’s purpose is and I want the answers now. So, I seek and seek and seek a bit more to try and find the answers – rather than just sit and trust and enjoy where I am now. I start a million things, but finish very few. I do very much fear that I’ve missed out on having a purpose, I might have already done it – maybe teaching was my purpose, maybe it’s yet to come – who knows, but I really, really would love to know and find trusting that I will know very difficult and incredibly frustrating and exceptionally slow!

As a consequence of not having children I’ve had to develop other ways of engaging in conversation with other people. You know how the conversation goes. ‘What’s your name?’, ‘Where do you live?’ ‘Do you have children?’ ‘No’. Oops, drawn a blank, move on. So, I can now talk to anyone, about anything and it doesn’t have to relate to children. It’s not really a skill I realised I had until I was chatting to a friend recently who said, ‘It’s all right for you, you never had children, you can talk to anybody about anything’. Whilst I ignored the ‘not-so-subtle’ slight at the start of the sentence it did make me realise that actually, I can do that, I can chat to anyone about anything and I am not particularly intimidated by walking in to a room full of people where I know no one. Handy hint, football gets you a long way in this world and if you listen to the headlines on Radio 5 you will find out all you need to know about what’s current in any sport! I have also done so many things that I wouldn’t have done if I’d been a mother – I wouldn’t have been a teacher, I wouldn’t have competed in triathlons, or run half marathons or visited any of the places that I’ve been fortunate enough to go to. I wouldn’t have learned to make my own way in the world. I have had to face up to my fear of the world every day and just get out there and get on with life.

Before we left Bristol for Portugal I gave the Coffee Boys who had kept us going through lockdown a thank you card. Husband commented at the time that not many people would have bothered with that. But I felt it was important that they understood the difference they had made to us at a difficult time. The Coffee Boy was a bit bemused when I gave the card to him, but then after I’d explained what it was, his face lit up. There was another chap that went to the coffee hut occasionally. A lovely chap, and in keeping with my ability to chat to anyone, one day I asked him if he’d like a cup of coffee. He was so shocked that a stranger would offer a cup of coffee and bizarrely I was the second in that week – so he clearly had something about him! But sometimes that’s all you need in a day, a stranger to talk to you, to offer you a cup of coffee, just to know that someone noticed you that day – it turned out that he did live on his own and he came to the coffee hut, just to get out and see somebody different. We spoke to him regularly after that, but I never did get to buy him a cup of coffee – but he did give me a thank you note which I stuck in my journal. I also wrote letters to people during lockdown – so they had a nice piece of post coming through their letterbox to brighten their day.

Perhaps that is my purpose in life, just to make someone smile every day, and do you know, I’d be happy with that. Perhaps it doesn’t have to be grand at all. I also need to trust more, trust myself, trust that everything does happen for a reason and that I am in the place that I am meant to be. Trust in my faith, trust that it will stand me in good stead in both the good times and the bad, and I also trust that when I do talk to God, he doesn’t laugh at my plans. I just wish he’d be a bit quicker with the answers! Although, as a friend of mine recently said, ‘God does seem to work to tight deadlines’.

Happiness, reflection, Spirituality

Should Says …..

August 13, 2020 Steph TJ

Should says many things. We live in a world of should and over the years the words of should have echoed in my ears and constrained the way I have lived my life.

I should try harder
I should work harder
I should be a mother (sadly I’m reaching an age where I should be a grandmother)
I should be quiet and I should also be louder or at the very least I should speak up more
I should sit still
I should grow up
I should be a good wife / daughter / sister
I should put the needs of others before my self
I should have a bigger house, car, TV, better phone
I should want more yet at the same time I should be content with what I have
I should be more ladylike
I should behave appropriately whilst I should also let my hair down a bit – I’d probably be more fun if I did
I should exercise
I should be thin
I should be on a diet
I should drink less and I should also drink more
I should expect less whilst I should aim high
I should have a successful career but I should also be nice
I should be a senior leader
I should be outstanding
I should be faster
I should look a certain way. I should have long hair. I should wear longer and shorter dresses.
I should get a tan, get a bit of colour
I should let go a bit, let my hair down, have a good time
I should be on social media. I should post 3 times a day for optimum engagement.
I should have more money of which I should donate more
I should get a job and I should volunteer
I should care less what other people think

It’s that last point that brings me to where I am today. I’ve wrapped myself, no, I’ve bound myself, with all of these ‘shoulds’ that have bombarded me, and sadly, are becoming bigger and faster and more frequent in this modern world and I’ll be the first to admit myself that I’ve struggled to work out what matters and what doesn’t. I have tried so hard to be everything I should be to everyone I should be. Over the past month I’ve been doing a course with an Intuitive Guide that I found quite by accident at the beginning of lockdown and I find myself at this point, where I realise that in by focusing on should I have actually neglected who I am and what matters to me. I’ve reached the point where the ‘shoulds’ that have bound me have been torn apart and my heart is poking through to say hello to the world.

I can name on one hand those people who have made it through the binds that wrapped me up so tightly. The people who have laughed with me, cried with me, run, (cycled and swum) slowly with me, drunk soft drinks and Prosecco with me, sworn with me, eaten cake with me (and often encouraged me to eat more cake), talked with me, filled my head with fascinating facts and discussed things with me, explained things to me when my maths brain couldn’t cope, travelled with me, who haven’t cared if I was fat, thin, tall, short, that have encouraged me to be more, do more, aim higher, have more of what makes me smile. Those people who’ve taken the time to find out more, to understand more about me, to go beyond appearances and dare to find out what it is that makes me tick. Those people who’ve seen me at my worst and at my best. Those people who really don’t understand what goes on in my head at times, but are still there, regardless. Those people who’ve shared the best and worst of their lives with me and who still continue to inspire me every day.

For a bit there I taught sociology to A Level and I will never forget the words of Erving Goffman who talked about the stages that we perform on throughout our lives and that we are never truly alone. There is always someone that we are performing to and if we are not performing we are rehearsing for our next performance or critiquing our last performance – so even when we are alone we struggle to be ourselves. The world of should feeds this and with the onset of social media and the internet, we are bombarded with a constant stream of ‘shoulds’, even down to how clean your house should be and things change so quickly, so regularly, life is temporary, throw away. It’s becoming increasingly difficult to be yourself, or stand out from the crowd, or even disappear from the crowd! The props of life seem to be getting more and more and at the same time seem to be increasingly more important that life itself.

So, what happens to a person who doesn’t want to live in a world of should. I shall tell you. They are ridiculed, they are made to feel lesser than and bullied, as if there is something not quite right with them. They are encouraged to change, to be more normal, to fit in a bit more, not draw attention to themselves quite so much, reign it in a bit, essentially to stop being who they are – primarily because it makes life easier for other people. I remember I was running with some friends once, we were chatting away at the back of the pack, but careful to be in front of one woman who we always had to be ahead of and a chap commented that if we stopped chatting we could knock minutes off our times. But where’s the fun in that? Why should the only reason for entering a race be the result, why shouldn’t it be about the chit chat, the good bag at the end, the cup of tea and the cake! The most fascinating people I know and have met along the way are those who quite regularly put two fingers up to should – who dare to be bold and dare to live life on their terms – and how often I’ve wished I could be more like them, but the bounds of ‘should’ were wrapped so tightly I couldn’t quite see how I could ever break free.

I’ve set myself a challenge. To step out from the world of should, to let my heart shine, to do those things that make me smile, that truly make my heart sing and to finally stick two of my own fingers up to ‘should’.

It will be noisy and quiet in equal measure
It is both exciting and terrifying
It will involve the sand, the sea and the stars
There will definitely be music and dancing and laughter (and probably the odd tear or two)
There will be a yoga mat and a meditation stool
There will be swimming and cycling and God willing a bit of very slow running
There will be science and spirituality (although my brain will more than likely be a bit challenged by the science bit)
There will be writing and making and creating accompanied by swearing
There will be dreaming and twirling
There will always be cake

But most of all there will be more of me.