February 2022 – Life According to TJ

I’ve recently finished reading ‘Quit Like a Woman‘ by Holly Whitaker and I can highly recommend reading it.

It’s primarily about quitting alcohol and although I don’t drink a vast amount, I have struggled to knock drinking on the head altogether, there are moments where I still get sucked in. Beyond that there were several recommendations that I felt would work in my life in general, one of which was to identify my three non-negotiables. Those 3 things that I will do every day, even the worst of days, no matter what.

1. Exercise. For me this is huge. Even if all I can manage is a walk. We were sitting at home recently and I was feeling guilty about leaving husband to do decorating on his own, again. But he said he’d realised how much difference exercise does make to my overall well-being and so missing out on my Nordic Walking in this instance was non-negotiable. That had to happen. Exercise is the one thing that I prioritise in my diary. No matter what.

2. No alcohol. This ties in with #1 and it absolutely has to be a non-negotiable. If I drink I feel dreadful. Even the tiniest bit makes me feel dreadful. Just this past weekend I had a couple of classes of wine with dinner. During the night the crushing headache arrived. At one point as the headache moved down my face, into my sinuses and my teeth I began to wonder if I was actually having a stroke. As a consequence, I missed my Monday morning exercise class. Instead I slept. Then I feel even more dreadful. Which makes me more tempted to drink, or eat sweets. Which makes me feel a bit more dreadful and so I carry on in this downward spiral. The exercise goes out of the window and it takes a mammoth effort to get back on track again. So better all round if I just don’t bother with the alcohol in the first place.

3. Meditation. I’ve always been a bit slapdash when it comes to meditation. I do it for a few days, then not. I’m making a concerted effort to make meditation a daily commitment and making it a non-negotiable will help with that. Much like exercise, it makes a big difference to me. I normally aim for 15 minutes twice a day. Sometimes I just sit in the quiet, sometimes I use a guided meditation, but I’ve learned that it doesn’t really matter too much how I do it! But it does have a really positive impact on how I feel during the day.

Besides these 3 non-negotiables, the book recommends a toolkit of about 10 things that you can draw upon to help you navigate those tricky moments. I have:

1. A cup of tea. Very British I know, but you can’t beat a good old cup of tea. I suspect because it simply makes you stop for a while and address what is causing the problem. Or to sit quietly and just reflect. Or sit and look out of the window at the world going by for a moment.

2. My husband. He is very good in the moment. I can tell him what is going around in my head. 90% of the time he tells me it’s stupid and 80% of the time he’d be right. But I know that I can safely say what’s in my head, as bonkers as it may be. Just being able to say it out loud in a safe place gives me space to realise just how bonkers the thoughts are and it is the first step towards finding a solution.

3. My sister. After husband has mopped up the initial anxiety driven trauma, my sister is superb at providing impartial, practical solutions. No judgement, no making me feel stupid, just straight forward practical solutions.

4. Tapping (EFT) This is a relatively new find for me and I’ll admit I thought it was totally out there the first time I tried it or heard about it. It works with the central nervous system and the meridians. Basically you tap on various points on your face and body whilst repeating certain phrases and the combination of both helps restore your equilibrium.

5. Mindful Moments. I’ve set a series of alarms on my phone for every 2 hours. When it goes off I stop for a few minutes. If I’m out and about I tend to do a few minutes heart coherence. Or if I’ve been sitting studying for a while I use it as the opportunity to walk and stretch a little. The idea being that it brings to back to the present. Initially I thought it would be an intrusive nightmare, but it’s really quite pleasant!

6. Deleting Facebook. This probably sounds like a bizarre one. But I cannot tell you the difference it has made to me, not being on Facebook and avoiding that particular rabbit hole. I don’t know what it is about my brain that means I can’t take part in this particular activity – but I can’t.

7. Making things. Anything really! There is nothing that I lose myself in quite like making something. It absorbs me totally. I do want to make a dress that fits and I have a bit of a bizarre obsession with crochet scarves and wraps at the moment. I always have something on the go, so whenever I find myself feeling a bit low, or there is potential for me to get sucked into something that might not be so good for me, then I can pick up whatever it is I am making and sit enjoying the process for a while. I have the world’s longest list of things I want to make so it’s unlikely I’ll ever find myself at a loose end.

8. Music. As the song says ‘Through my times of trouble my music sees me through’. Listening to music, playing an instrument. I don’t play my clarinet as often as I should, but there is nothing quite like it for bringing me into the present moment. I’m trying to widen my music repertoire and am listening to different types of music, but I have to say that in the moment you can’t beat a bit of Katy Perry!

9. Sitting on a bench. This is a topical one! Ricky Gervais has just placed 15 benches around the UK based on the one he uses in the show Afterlife. The theory being that you sit there and someone comes to chat to you and might just save your day. I don’t very often get to sit and talk to anyone, but quite regularly a short walk to a local bench is all I need to settle my mind. To sit quietly and watch the ocean, or watch people walking by, to hear the birds singing, the children laughing. You can’t beat a good old bench.

10. Other people. This is a bit of a catchall. I don’t have a ‘crew’ as such and I am still trying to find out what works best for me. One thing that did resonate with me from the book is that different people will come into your life at different times. Some stay, some don’t, some you may not ever meet in real-life. But this is an evolving thing. There have been many people over the years that have made a difference to me. In the past year it has definitely been my physio and chiropractor, but I can see how I may move on from them now that physically, I feel so much better.

So there we have it. My 3 non-negotiables and my toolkit of 10. These may both evolve over time, but what I have found interesting is that it helps to be prepared. It helps to be consistent and practice techniques day in and day out. I appreciate that for many people this is not even necessary. What I do know is that starting my day with non-negotiable #1, the chances of me even needing to delve into the toolkit of 10 is significantly reduced.

Well, it would be fair to say that I have already failed on one of my 22 for 2022. That of writing a blog post once a week. January has passed me by in a blur. Here in Bristol it has been fairly mediocre! The weather hasn’t really added up to much and there have been some days when leaving the house felt like an effort too far. In a way it was good to have this list of challenges, because it did actually make me do something other than watch the month pass me by.

It felt like a mammoth achievement to make it to Christmas with daily covid testing, husband testing positive for covid over the Christmas period, cancelled Christmas plans and the quietest Christmas for many a year. Just making it as far as the New Year seemed enough and like many people we have pretty much hunkered down for January. It was nice not to go out, not to worry about going out, but to spend cosy evenings in front of the TV. Not helped by the weather – which has been particularly gloomy.

In addition to that we have been decorating our home. It’s only a one bedroom flat which means it has been impossible to empty a room, decorate and then move everything back in. It became quite wearing in the end, permanently living in some version of chaos. That too has come to an end as we had the deadline of the last week of January to get as much done as possible prior to having carpets fitted throughout.

I’ve also had a deadline for the Open University. Like buses. Everything came along in the last week of January! It’s a relief that everything is out of the way. I have concluded that there will never be a convenient time for an assignment deadline – that’s just the way these things work. I suppose it’s a relief that January is out of the way. For me February represents hope that spring is just around the corner and the worst of winter is behind me.

One thing I have really enjoyed about January this year is no resolutions. No self imposed restrictions that have become unrealistic 10 days into the new year. I have also continued to enjoy not being on Facebook. It has made such a difference to how I feel and has meant that I have engaged more fully with real people in real life, completed more crochet projects and generally felt more calm and grounded. It’s probably the most hopeful January I’ve had in many years.

I have made progress on some of the items on my list of 22:

#3 I haven’t bought any new clothes. I have bought a few things from my local charity shop, but they have been things to alter or to use the fabric for other projects. I’ve never been able to alter clothes and so have been using charity shop finds to practice on, rather than destroy pieces I already have in my wardrobe. So far, so good! The bigger achievement for me is not going shopping in the winter sales. I do love a bargain and so it’s huge for me to pass them by. It’s also made me realise just how much I do already have in my wardrobe and so shopping isn’t necessary at all. There is the obvious bonus of saving money too!

#4 Reduce single use plastics. I am in awe of just how many toiletries I have stashed in my cupboards – particularly shampoo. I seem to have a never ending supply of shampoo which I am determined to use prior to replacing them with plastic free versions. Whilst any plastic isn’t great, recycling empty plastic is preferable to throwing away filled plastic containers. So, as yet all I have replaced is one handwash, and one shower gel – both with a good old fashioned bar of soap.

#7 Walk 1000 miles. I am currently 202.1 miles having started on 14th December. I suspect I might have to amend the challenge at some point in the year, in order to make it more of a challenge than it currently is.

#8 Eat one piece of fruit a day. Another fail! I have been increasing the amount of fruit I have been eating, but haven’t quite managed that one extra piece per day. But it’s a target to aim for. I’ve recently been reading ‘Quite Like a Woman’ by Holly Whitaker and taking on more than one thing at once isn’t advisable, better to change things one at a time – so I shall keep this as a target and hopefully by the end of 2022 this will be a daily habit.

#9 Read 12 Fiction books. I have achieved this. In fact, during January I have read several books, although only two were fiction books. The books I have read are:

‘The Couple at Number 9’ by Clare Douglas – a Crime book. I enjoyed the read and finished it (which is unusual for me) but not outstanding. I didn’t put it down and think I must go and read her other books.
‘Mother Loves Me’ – a psychological thriller and for the first half of the book there were times where I was scared to turn the page, but then it sort of fizzled out towards the end, which was disappointing.
‘Spectacles’ by Sue Perkins. I love Sue Perkins and so when I saw this on the shelf at the local charity shop I had to buy it. A great, entertaining read.
‘The Wrong Knickers’ by Bryony Gordon. Again, I love Bryony Gordon and her posts on Instagram showing a real down to earth approach to life. So this was a delight to read and a real honest insight into the reality of life as a twenty-something in London.
‘Once Upon a Time in The West Country’ by Tony Hawks. A gentle story chronically Tony’s move to the West Country. The best part without doubt is when he takes a pig for a cycle ride across Devon.

#11 Make a dress that fits. The items of clothing I have altered have helped me with this as I am starting to get a better understanding of the shape of clothes and how they fit together. I usually just follow the pattern, but my body is a bit of a queer shape, so understanding the construction of clothing is probably going to be as helpful as following a pattern. That way I can work out what to adjust rather than just blindly follow along.

#16 365 days of writing. I have tried. This is another habit that I have found to be a struggle, especially on days when I have been studying. The thought of spending more time at my laptop blows my mind a bit. I did try writing by hand, but find that I think more clearly when I am typing. I also found some of the prompts a little un-inspiring and so ended up writing waffle. There was one day that I wrote a poem, which I did quite enjoy and came as quite a surprise to me. This is another habit that I hope to have incorporated in to my life on a daily basis come the end of 2022. Especially as I hope to have started a module on Creative Writing by then!

#17 Listen to 12 New Albums. My album choice for January was ‘Hand Cannot Erase’ by Steven Wilson. Which I have quite enjoyed and is certainly different to anything that I would normally choose to listen to. What has been most interesting has been finding out from different people which albums they recommend. I’m still on the hunt for about 6 months worth of recommendations, so please do feel free to share your favourites. If there was one album you think I should listen to, what would it be?

That’s all of the progress for now! I’m hoping that during February I make a start on some of the other items on the list, specifically cycling from Albufeira to Vilamoura and I am going to try again with the daily fruit and creative writing habits.