May 2019 – Life According to TJ

Alternative Therapies, Complementary Health, Menopause, Well-being

My menopause and I!

May 29, 2019 Steph TJ

Oh it’s back – well it never really went away – but my menopausal symptoms seem to be back with a bang. This time I am more determined to do something about it. If procrastination was a degree course I would have sailed through years ago. Sadly, it’s not – but what it has done has stopped me making any progress. Apparently, procrastination is, in fact, an emotion regulation problem. According to this article from the New York Times, procrastination has just as much to do with self-doubt as lazyitis!

I’ve read too many books on the subject of self help, by too many people and at the end of the day they all say the same thing – at some point in time you’ve got to get off your arse and help yourself. Like many lazy people, I like to hope that there is a magic wand, or a quick fix just around the corner that will instantly turn me into a svelte, toned, tanned goddess, but sadly not. I just have to get on with it.

I’ve carried out very extensive research on HRT (I asked my two mates at the pub) and have concluded it’s not for me. They had both tried, for very different, specific reasons and neither of them found it was right for them an in both cases it didn’t fix the thing they had most wanted it to. Both also said they had put on a lot of weight very quickly, which they have struggled to shift since stopping taking the tablets. I have experienced that myself, in 2005, when I was given some drugs to control bleeding. The bleeding was controlled, but I also put on 2 stone in weight in the space of a month – a good stone of that has never shifted and I am loathe to experience that again.

I did also go to the library and found a fascinating book, ‘Your menopause Bible‘ by Dr Robin N. Phillips – husband has been thrilled to learn some menopause facts he never felt he needed to know! One thing that I have learned is that HRT and Endometriosis don’t go well together. Although I have had a hysterectomy, any endometriosis deposits still wallowing around on my bowel or bladder will respond to the hormones in the HRT as they would have were they still inside the womb. Basically taking HRT risks firing up the Endometriosis again – and I really don’t want that to happen.

What I have found fascinating is the heap of symptoms that can be attributed to menopause. I knew all the obvious ones like hot flushes, sore boobs, weight gain, menopause brain – but have been quite shocked at others! Dry eyes, for example – what’s that about! It would appear that pretty much anything that goes wrong with a lady of a certain age can be attributed to menopause. I can only be thankful that post hysterectomy I don’t have to deal with some of the more painful physical symptoms alongside the emotional fiasco that I have become! Insomnia is still the worst – some days I do just feel like I’m wading through treacle!

So – I have thrown the kitchen sink at it! As a consequence I won’t really know what it is that has worked the best and why, but there we are. I have:

Started taking Menopace night time multi-vitamins to help with sleep.
Started using magnesium body lotion before bed every night – apparently magnesium aids good sleep and there is method in your granny’s madness in having epsom salts in your bath every day.
Started using an essential oils mix of ylang ylang, clary sage and thyme in fractionated coconut oil which I massage into my stomach, thighs and ankles four times a day. I got this remedy from FemFusionFitness. Dr Bri is a qualified women’s health physiotherapist who is herself investigating a natural approach to menopause and has all sorts of nuggets of advice and information
Diet – not as in diet to lose weight – but as in making choices to support my body and avoiding those foods that I know upset me. I find this really difficult as I don’t want to be that awkward person that everyone rolls their eyes at in a restaurant when they say ‘I can’t eat that’. As I said before – I’ve been waiting for a magic fix – it doesn’t exist, so I’ve just got to crack on! I have to say the big struggle for me is giving up my Soya lattes!
Made up a Bach Flower remedy containing mimulus (for known fears), aspen (for unknown fears), walnut (for change) and hornbeam (for can’t be arsed).
Set myself the target of walking 10,000 steps a day as a form of gentle exercise alongside yoga – I do generally enjoy exercise so this is giving me a focus and hopefully is something I can still manage in Bristol and Portugal.
Entered the Midnight Walk for St Peter’s Hospice as a focus for my walking and to give me a commitment to keep to. I’ve entered with a friend – which always makes a difference for me and we’ve entered the 10mile version – so I need to be fit and able for it!
Started taking Pukka clean Chlorella – not a clue what that does – but it’s high in vitamin B12 and D – which apparently is good for menopause!

So there we are – off on the menopause roller coaster – I’ll get back to you on how I’m progressing.

Albufeira, Bristol, Happiness, Walking

Changeover Week!

May 19, 2019 Steph TJ

But these weeks are also very exciting as we remember what it is that we so love about each of the places we are fortunate enough to live in. I have talked about the contrasts between the two places before – but this time coming from Albufeira to Bristol seems to have been more extreme.

Two lots of cleaning, it’s a bizarrely northern thing I suspect. I spend hours cleaning one apartment so that it’s nice to come back to, and then spend the first day back cleaning – even though nothing has happened in the apartment whilst we were away. This time the cleaning took on additional focus as a relative will be staying in our Portuguese home whilst we are in Bristol – so I have discovered yet another level of clean – ‘relative that isn’t your parents, sister or nephews’ clean!

The last time we came was for a flying visit so that I could go on the Hen weekend in Bath, so I barely had any time to spend in Bristol and so didn’t fully appreciate it. This time we have come back for the wedding – which I am very excited about and we are here for a few weeks. Husband did ask me last week what it was I was most looking forward to about being here and it was the wedding. Now I am back here, I realise there was so much more that I miss about Bristol.

Bristol is home. Despite my best efforts to make our Albufeira apartment as homely as possible, without moving lock, stock and barrel, there are ‘things’ in Bristol which make it home. For a start there is my wedding bouquet which I made from Coalport brooches; then there are my Grandad’s books along with his certificates proudly displayed on the wall, as they have been since 1945 I imagine; my Nana’s vase and balloon lady; the dog’s radio (the dog passed over 2 years ago now, but for some reason that radio which never gets used survived downsizing); the gifts I received from good friends at my first wedding and were the treasures I took with me when I left; the daft bits and bobs that my sister has bought me for Christmas over the years. It’s not just about me, there are ornaments from my mother-in-law’s home, things that she loved and which are of sentimental value to my husband. There are other bits and pieces that represent our life together as well as those we separately bought to our home – silly little things that make a home.

Of course, there are our friends. We were fortunate enough to have lots of friends visit us during our stay in Albufeira, including the mother of the bride at the forthcoming wedding and it is so lovely to be able to catch up with them again. Or last meal in Albufeira was at an excellent restaurant, The Country Cockerel Kitchen, with our good friend Graham Evans amongst others. We also have reservations at a couple of beautiful restaurants in Bristol during this stay, along with a visit to the ‘Mighty Gate’ to watch Take That! Food, in particular, is one thing that both husband and I genuinely miss when we are in Portugal. The choice in Bristol is immense and so varied. Already this week we’ve eaten falafel from Eat a Pitta, (nothing in Albufeira has come close to the standard of these falafel) had Caribbean food from the Friday street food market outside St Nic’s market, gone along to the farmers market on Whiteladies Road. Whilst the food in Albufeira is lovely and there is a wide choice of good quality restaurants, nothing really compares to the variety on offer in Bristol – much of which is relatively cheap and of outstanding quality.

Bristol is generally a fantastic, vibrant, diverse place to be. There is no ‘normal’ that I can identify. People are just themselves, content in the knowledge that it’s ok to be who you want to be, but nobody bats an eyelid, nobody feels the need to conform. Vintage and second hand shopping is as popular as high street shopping as people hunt for unique pieces that will set them apart from the crowd. I know that I myself feel more relaxed here and under less pressure to fit in. I’ve recently watched a programme on Netflix, ‘Call to Courage’ with Brene Brown. One thing that really struck a chord with me is that fitting in isn’t the same as belonging. When you try to ‘fit in’ you change aspects of yourself to make yourself more acceptable, more popular, more normal. When you belong, you can just be yourself. I belong in Bristol, I ‘fit in’ in Albufeira and that, in a nutshell is the key difference. I’ve always been a bit quirky, a bit of a lone wolf and during the last years of my teaching I lost my individuality a bit. It’s beginning to come back now, and when I am in Bristol I truly feel I can be myself, without judgement, no matter how bonkers that might be.

Yesterday, I had a fantastic morning walking the length of one of the main routes in Bristol. From Wild Oats, a health food shop at the top of Whiteladies Road, right down to the library on College Green, past the beautiful Will’s Building which dominates Park Street. Along the way I encountered most of what Bristol has to offer, including a walk for Crohn’s and Colitis, and a motorbike rally raising awareness of Soldier F. Bristol is loud and busy, with a constant soundtrack of cars, buses, sirens, skateboarders, late-night revellers, the slush puppy wheelbarrow man, all set in a backdrop of the old city. I love it here and would be sad not to be able to experience it any more.

IMG_20181118_103138411_HDR — Wills Building

Albufeira, Happiness, Mindfulness, Portugal

Stuck in a Rut

May 12, 2019 Steph TJ

I find myself in a rut. As you know, I retired a few years ago at the ripe of age of 44 and since then have been trying to find my place in the world.

Recently a number of things have happened, which have made me reassess the situation. Sadly, a upsettingly high proportion of our friends and acquaintances have been diagnosed with advanced cancer, some of whom have been working so incredibly hard for a retirement they may never get to take. That’s really sobering and is the one thing that really hit home for me. I gave up work so that husband and I could enjoy retired life together whilst we both had our full faculties. But I haven’t been doing that, I haven’t been enjoying retirement. I’d like to be able to tell you what I have been doing – but I think basically it amounts to moping. Moping and moaning.

The thing is, I really don’t have any reason to moan or mope. I have an amazing opportunity and, quite frankly, I am wasting it.

Recently, as I flew home to Bristol for a hen weekend, I listened to Fearne Cotton interview Russell Brand on her podcast ‘Happy Place’ and it really struck a chord. Brand has written a book ‘Freedom from our Addictions’ based on 12 step programme, of Alcoholics Anonymous fame, which, he argues, could be applied to any aspect of life. But the absolute first step to changing anything is to acknowledge there is a problem / area of concern / area of development and to own it.

So, I am stuck in a rut. And I am moping and moaning.

This was followed by a run for a bus! The bus stop is right outside the hairdressers, but, due to roadworks was suspended. As I stepped out of the hairdresser the bus was just stopping at the lights to the roadworks. This meant I had the time it took for the traffic going the other way to go through the lights and the time it took for the bus to get from its current position to the next stop to run for the bus. If I didn’t catch this bus I would have had to wait 20 minutes for the next one. So I ran to the next stop, probably about 500 metres further up the road. I made the stop in time to reach the back of the queue and then quietly died. I could barely breathe and it took a good 20 minutes of the 25 minute bus journey home. This really shocked me. Whilst I’ve never been thin, I’ve always regarded myself as being fit and have used exercise as a strategy for managing a range of health issues throughout my life.

Scrap cushions! — This week, rather than waste time, I made these two cushions from scrap fabric I had at home.

So the blocks have been building:

I’ve been wasting an opportunity
I have an area of concern I’d like to address
Evidence would suggest that I am currently the least fit I have been in a long time.

I could make excuses:

I only respond to deadlines
I don’t have enough time
I don’t have the money to do the things I’d like to
I split my time between two places
Husband would rather I spent the time with him

All of them are total rubbish.

There are no deadlines and I am naturally inclined to put off to tomorrow – but it’s not an excuse.
I have more than enough time – I can waste time with ease. I waste so much time it’s frightening.
The majority of things I’d like to do more of – like cycling, walking or running don’t actually require any money.
I can easily do the things I would like to in two places with minimal effort.
Husband would rather I did the things that made me happy and would be very upset to know I was using him as an excuse.

The key points of the day where I lose time are after lunch and dinner. I get sucked into games (they are designed to do that – but still an excuse) and before I know it the day has disappeared. I am going to try to be more mindful and when I spot the boredom or lethargy set in I am going to make a conscious decision to do something constructive. There are a million and one things I could do in that time – sewing, knitting, crochet, swimming, cleaning, ironing, baking, reading, learning, even writing blog posts.

So, I owe it to myself, my husband and my friends to fully embrace this opportunity that I find myself in and throw myself wholeheartedly into retirement.

Lunch with a view — This week, husband and I went to have lunch at Porto do Abrigo, an amazingly tranquil restaurant overlooking the fishermans marina

City Breaks, Happiness, Mindfulness, Well-being

Getting there!

May 3, 2019 Steph TJ

It’s hard work, this sorting out your shit malarky. But slowly I am getting there. Husband has, on more than one occassion, wondered if it is making any difference. But he can’t see inside my head.

If he could he would see that on the whole I no longer stress about every little thing and manifest it into a huge disaster in the space of three seconds.

Take, for example, my recent trip to a hen party in Bath. The facts of the situation, I had been invited to a Hen Party in Bath by good and exceptionally lovely friends that I realised I have known for over 15 years now. I was due to stay in a house with 10 other ladies and had only met one before. Queue meltdown – or so I thought – but it didn’t happen that way.

Not long ago I would have had the meltdown:

What if they didn’t like me
What if I had nothing in common
I certainly wouldn’t have had any sleep – I don’t sleep well at the best of times, so I certainly wouldn’t sleep in a house of 9 other ladies I barely knew.
What was I going to to do when they kept me awake all night in the hot tub.

Sadly, I can also see now, that I would have behaved in such a way – quite subtly – to ensure they didn’t like me and I achieved my objective. Very similar to the children I have taught who behave badly, they know they are going to get thrown out of the class at some point, so they fast forward the whole process to ensure that happens sooner rather than later. That’s what I did. I projected my anxieties about situations and achieved the end result.

This time was very different.

I knew I was going to spend the weekend with lovely people who make me laugh, a lot.
I explained my concerns about my sleeping in advance, rather than have a tantrum at the time, and was earmarked with a single room, so I could potter about to my hearts content. As it happens I barely spent any time there – due primarily to shocking sleeping habits!
I took advantage of the fact that I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep until the house was quiet by making sure I was the last to bed! In this one step alone I felt myself turn from miserable party pooper to really enjoying every moment of the weekend.
I threw myself with abandon into each of the activities that had been arranged – wore the tiara with pride and had a thoroughly good time!

This wasn’t easy for me. I would be the first to admit that I find the meditation bit hard and have not been doing it for a while now, however, I have maintained one aspect of it. Returning my brain to the present. What’s happening now. Don’t create a future that isn’t real, don’t create stories around what might happen, how people might behave, respond to what is here now. Generally, nothing has ever been as bad as the scenario my head has created, so I have had to start trusting what’s happening now.

The worst part was actually the train from Bristol to Bath on a Friday afternoon – the world’s biggest queue waiting to get on the world’s smallest train. I had to remind myself that this service runs every 15 minutes or so – so it really wasn’t a disaster if I didn’t get on the first train. I met up in Bath with two lovely ladies that I’d never met before and that was it – I had arrived at the Hen weekend and from that moment on I had a ball.

I do, however, still have my down moments. We had some visitors staying with us last weekend and I really struggled with having someone in my home whose basic ideas of housekeeping vary so much to my own. Someone who manages to press all of my buttons without even realising they are doing it – and so a consequence the negative monsters reappeared back in my head. I’ll admit that I very much lost the ability to remain in the present, or to see the positives in the situation and so I realise that there is still much to be done. But on the whole I would say that I am making progress, that the down days are much less frequent than they used to be.

Things that I do find are really helping me are yoga and exercise. I am a bit of a nightmare if I don’t do at least a bit of exercise in every day. In addition to this I am slowing starting to realise that I don’t have to like everyone and everyone doesn’t have to like me. Nor do I have to take part in what everyone else is doing. One aspect that I loved about the Hen weekend was I was with likeminded ladies – and I had an absolute ball – it really confirmed for me that I do have a place in the world. It may not be mainstream – but who wants to be mainstream – but I do have a lot to offer other people and if they don’t get what I’m about, or are dismissive, then that’s just the way it is. Move on!

But slowly – day by day – I am getting there and am starting to spot the positives in the situation before the negatives.